Review: The First Ten Minutes of Myst on the 3DS

My boxart actually literally says "WITH NEW ART!" Wow!

Myst is important. It was released in 1993 and remained the best-selling PC game for nearly a decade before finally being unseated by The Sims. It caused millions of us upgrade to the then-new CD format, with its impressive full-motion video, sweeping orchestral soundtrack, and cutting-edge world design and graphics. The neatest part? It was originally a Mac-only game.

Since ’93, Myst has been ported to something like a dozen different platforms, and most recently it has been spreading like a virus throughout the handheld realm. Now that the graphical and sound prowess of our portable systems can match that of a personal computer from 20 years ago, it seems like a perfect match, especially what with the touchscreens and stereo sound.

There is a sort of purity in Myst that seems untouched by time — obtuse puzzles, a go anywhere/do anything atmosphere with an unhurried pace, and a deep lore that has to be peeled back one layer at a time. The 3DS version has all of these things. Unfortunately, it is unplayable.

WHAT THE CRAP.

WHAT.

THE.

CRAP.

WHY WOULD YOU NOT USE THE TOUCHSCREEN ON A GAME THAT ORIGINALLY USED A MOUSE POINTER??? THIS GAME, MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE ON THE 3DS, WOULD WORK PERFECTLY WITH A TOUCHSCREEN. INSTEAD YOU MAKE ME USE THE ANALOG NUB, BUT — GET THIS — CENTER-NUB IS CENTER-SCREEN. I DON’T MOVE THE POINTER AROUND THE SCREEN. I HAVE TO VEEEEEEERY CAREFULLY SLIDE IT TO JUST THE RIGHT SPOT. THAT’S STUPID. YOU’RE STUPID, MYST.

OH OH OH BUT THAT’S NOT EVEN THE BEST PART. YOU KNOW HOW THERE’S BOOKS AND STUFF, RIGHT??? BECAUSE GAMES AREN’T GOOD AT REVEALING BACKSTORY WITHOUT EXPOSITION??? WELL THIS GAME HAS BOOKS THAT YOU OPEN TO READ BUT THE TEXT IS TOO SMALL, OK?

SO YOU HIT THE ZOOM BUTTON AND IT MAKES THE TEXT BIGGER WITHOUT SHARPENING THE LETTERS.

I REPEAT: IT MAKES THE SMALL WORDS BIGGER WHILE RETAINING THE RESOLUTION.

THIS GAME IS FULL OF BOOKS THAT YOU CAN.

NOT.

READ.

AND THAT’S IF YOU WERE EVEN ABLE TO FINAGLE THE ANALOG NUB INTO CLICKING ON THE BOOKS.

ALSO!

THE SOUND.

IMAGINE YOU’RE LISTENING TO A CELINE DION CONCERT THAT’S BEEN AUTOTUNED, CONVERTED TO MIDI, THEN BLARED OUT OF A CHEESE GRATER. THIS SOUND IS THEN RECORDED USING MICROSOFT WINDOWS’ BUILT-IN SOUND RECORDER PROGRAM. THEN THAT NOISE IS PLAYED THROUGH A 3DS’S SPEAKERS. IT SOUNDS LIKE THAT EVEN WHEN YOU’RE WEARING BOSE HEADPHONES.

AND FINALLY.

THE OPENING CINEMATIC CUT OUT HALFWAY THROUGH AND SHOT ME STRAIGHT TO THE TITLE SCREEN.

GOOD START, GAME.

DID YOU BUY THIS???

I DID! IT WAS ONLY $10 AT GAMESTOP!

I SHOULD HAVE JUST PAID A STRIPPER TO STAND ON MY JUNK WITH STILETTOS INSTEAD. AT LEAST THEN I’D FEEL LIKE I GOT MY MONEYS’ WORTH.

0 GUMBALLS OUT OF 5

THE PARODY WAS BETTER.

P.S. I KNOW NOT A LOT OF REVIEWS HAVE POST SCRIPTS BUT I WAS TRYING TO FIND SCREENSHOTS OF HOW BAD THIS GAME LOOKS AND THEY DON’T EXIST. IT’S LIKE EVEN THE DEVELOPERS WERE ASHAMED OF THIS HORRIFIC PILE OF SLIPPERY EXCREMENT THEY’VE CREATED.

THE TOP SCREEN IS WHERE THE STUFF HAPPENS AND THE BOTTOM SCREEN JUST HAS THESE FIVE GIANT ICONS THAT YOU COULD EASILY PUSH WITH A FINGER THAT HAS SWOLLEN TO TWELVE TIMES ITS NORMAL SIZE DUE TO A COMPLETE AND UTTER LACK OF ANY PHYSICAL ACTIVITY OR GREEN LEAFY FOOD FOR THE MAJORITY OF ONE’S ADULT LIFE.

THERE’S A CAMERA ICON TO TAKE PICTURES AND SHOW YOUR MOM!

THERE’S A MAGNIFYING GLASS THAT ONLY WORKS ON BOOKS AND DOESN’T MAKE THEM READABLE!

ONE OF THEM SAVES!

BUT NOTHING CAN SAVE THIS THING. WHY MYST WHYYYYY YOU USED TO BE SO COOL.

SADFACE.JPG TIMES INFINITY.

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3 Comments

Filed under Review

3 responses to “Review: The First Ten Minutes of Myst on the 3DS

  1. That’s such a shame. If only the developers had actually thought about what they were doing…

  2. Maybe it gets better after 20/30 hours? Heh.

    Anyway. I wonder if the Myst would actually be good for handheld gaming, even if ported properly. At least in the modern sense of handheld gaming = loo gaming. Myst just seems far too smooth and unfragmented… Though I only know of the game from hearsay, not having played it.

    Oh, oh, also: Interesting to see how poor the ports for handhelds often tend to be. PC gamers tend to whine a lot about bad ports from console games (and fair enough, some suck to no end), but even then it seems the port issues are not as severe as some of the stuff we see on handhelds. You seem to have a good knowledge of hh games, maybe there’s an article in this somewhere? Would be interesting to read a good comparison of porting quality for various hh’s.

  3. arron

    Sounds like something that someone outsourced. They gave them some documents and a copy of the game and gave them a month to port it, with the business model that given they paid someone nothing to develop it, if they sold a few copies, they’d be in profit by default.

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